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I don't like to think I'm guilty of much, but my blogging vigor has been flagging the past few weeks as school peaked, then petered out, then vacation got underway. I'm not sure what to write, but I figure that with so much time having passed since my last decent post, there's got to be something.

So vacation so far has been amazing. I keep telling R that too. That's because I see her every day. Which is pretty much the reason why this vacation has been so wonderful. R came up to the island for Shabbos last week after finals, where, for the first time in a while, I didn't have to split my time between her and a few papers and essays. It felt luxurious. R doesn't get vacation yet at work, so the goal has been to make her time after work feel like vacation. We've seen movies, done dinner, hung out at her place and eaten chestnuts while walking through New York. I missed this. This past Monday marked a year since we first met. R says we actually met at Hillel one Friday night during my sophomore year, but I was too silly to not take a chance then and I'm glad I got another opportunity to ask her out. It's been a very good year.

Permit me to reminisce.

Last fall quarter (Northwestern is on quarters and this still mixes me up), I was living on my own in Evanston for the first time, having recently decided that although I had (and still have) a deep and abiding love for my parents, it was time for me to strike out on my own a bit. I was living in a nice apartment with some very friendly neighbors, who happened to have been friends with R for quite some time. It started off as a bit of a joke (I'm Jewish, so is R, it's a match made in heaven!), but by the end of the quarter, they were convinced we'd be a good pair and in my everlasting (and soon to be rewarded) optimism, I wished them to be right.

There was only one problem: R was in France studying abroad. I was patient, I was hopeful, and on December 15th, she flew back from Paris to Chicago, and my neighbors insisted on throwing a holiday party (in deference to the Jews), whose express purpose seemed to be to get me and R into a room together. It worked. She flew back the next morning to her home to see her parents, I stayed up all night "grading" (I was teaching a class, so this was pretty legit) and had my feet on my futon and my shades open. It had snowed a lot the night before. She came down early to take a taxi to the airport and I came out quickly to say goodbye (shyly) and then she disappeared for three weeks. But I liiiiiked her. So I friended her on Facebook (always a safe move, right?) and was too scared to write anything on her wall or send her any messages. Ah well.

A month later she came back and we started to find ways to see each other. We'd bump into each other in line getting a drink or something for lunch so we could talk alone for a few minutes before we joined our other friends to share lunch. We'd go to movies with our friends, but made sure we were next to each other. I had a party at my apartment for a friend of mine after he finished the MCAT (a party-worthy occasion if there ever was one) with the hope that she would come. She was the first there and the last to leave. I don't remember how many people were there, but she was.

Our first full-fledged date was January 25th. We saw Juno. I bought the tickets and she brought the snacks. Cut up fruits and ants on a log (not real ants, nor real logs, but still yummy). Slowly, the other friends stopped coming to movies, we'd pretend to split up after lunch with friends, only to meet up again in 5 minutes for coffee alone. Then we stopped making excuses and started dating. It's been wonderful ever since.

I don't quite remember (or want to remember) what I did before me and R were together and I can't really imagine what I would do without her. It's been the best year of my life and the reason is her.

I have more to tell later, about the study section that made me reconsider (once again) what I want to do with my life, my upcoming rotation (plant computational biology lab, anyone surprised?), and my newfound appreciation for literature that does not involve science; but it's late you're all probably a little nauseous by now anyway ;-)

More soon!

A Time for Reflection

It's the end of the term and I'm about to go through the ordeal of finals (remember in grade school when the last day of a term was celebrated with cookies? why did they get rid of that?), so naturally, while I'm poring over notes, papers and problem sets, trying to figure out how to make it all come together into one easy to remember scientific axiom I can write again and again on my test to pass with flying colors, my thoughts turn to different topics. They may be somewhat pertinent, but so distant from what I should be thinking that they don't quite count towards productivity. So that's why, after almost a month of being "too busy" to write, I find myself here again.

There's plenty to write about post-finals. I went to Florida for Thanksgiving, picked rotations, saw R a lot, but somehow not nearly enough.

And tonight, when I should be going over something, anything, science-related, my thoughts turn to social habits and graces.

When I was a kid, I was quiet, shy and reserved. I picked my nose a lot (still do sometimes), read a lot of books, kept to myself. Sometime in elementary school, I had mastered reading while walking, to the point that I could read the words and see people's feet in front of me at the same time. I'd get away from the table as soon as I could to read a book. Weekends, I read. I spent time with friends too, but social situations always had a bit of melancholy. I was short, unathletic and not very funny (though I was decent on defense in basketball, it was more aggression than actual skill). So you can imagine I was a hit with everyone. But I was always nice. I could always help and I'd always find a way to. I felt useful. Like even if I wasn't good for very many other things, I could listen. I could be a shoulder.

So over the years, circumstances changed. Different intervening events shaped my life in ways I couldn't imagine until I got to where I am now. Now, I tease. When I get teased, I don't do much about it. If it's funny, I'll laugh. If it's not, I'll ignore it. I like to think people feel the same when I tease, but sometimes I just don't know.

I'm still self-conscious though. Still a little shy inside. Still very insecure in a lot of ways. Still unsure of a lot of things about my future (not R though).

So why does this come out now?

Because over the last few weeks and months, I've gotten the distinct impression that the way I've handled myself hasn't gone the way I'd hoped. I teased too much and maybe not been as sensitive as I could have been, laughed and smiled at the wrong times, cracked jokes when I didn't need to and not been serious enough when I should have been. I used to feel serious. I used to feel like a good man. I used to feel like I was doing something useful. If nothing else, I had good interpersonal skills, I could be there for people. Now I'm not sure if I've lost those feelings or if I've just taken on the role of the clown and given up a lot of the good things I knew I was for vaguer thoughts and ideas. If it weren't for R, I'd feel adrift completely.

It's not that I don't want to be able to laugh and have a good time. But when you're the only person laughing in the room, you start to feel that perhaps the joke is on you.