A Time for Reflection

It's the end of the term and I'm about to go through the ordeal of finals (remember in grade school when the last day of a term was celebrated with cookies? why did they get rid of that?), so naturally, while I'm poring over notes, papers and problem sets, trying to figure out how to make it all come together into one easy to remember scientific axiom I can write again and again on my test to pass with flying colors, my thoughts turn to different topics. They may be somewhat pertinent, but so distant from what I should be thinking that they don't quite count towards productivity. So that's why, after almost a month of being "too busy" to write, I find myself here again.

There's plenty to write about post-finals. I went to Florida for Thanksgiving, picked rotations, saw R a lot, but somehow not nearly enough.

And tonight, when I should be going over something, anything, science-related, my thoughts turn to social habits and graces.

When I was a kid, I was quiet, shy and reserved. I picked my nose a lot (still do sometimes), read a lot of books, kept to myself. Sometime in elementary school, I had mastered reading while walking, to the point that I could read the words and see people's feet in front of me at the same time. I'd get away from the table as soon as I could to read a book. Weekends, I read. I spent time with friends too, but social situations always had a bit of melancholy. I was short, unathletic and not very funny (though I was decent on defense in basketball, it was more aggression than actual skill). So you can imagine I was a hit with everyone. But I was always nice. I could always help and I'd always find a way to. I felt useful. Like even if I wasn't good for very many other things, I could listen. I could be a shoulder.

So over the years, circumstances changed. Different intervening events shaped my life in ways I couldn't imagine until I got to where I am now. Now, I tease. When I get teased, I don't do much about it. If it's funny, I'll laugh. If it's not, I'll ignore it. I like to think people feel the same when I tease, but sometimes I just don't know.

I'm still self-conscious though. Still a little shy inside. Still very insecure in a lot of ways. Still unsure of a lot of things about my future (not R though).

So why does this come out now?

Because over the last few weeks and months, I've gotten the distinct impression that the way I've handled myself hasn't gone the way I'd hoped. I teased too much and maybe not been as sensitive as I could have been, laughed and smiled at the wrong times, cracked jokes when I didn't need to and not been serious enough when I should have been. I used to feel serious. I used to feel like a good man. I used to feel like I was doing something useful. If nothing else, I had good interpersonal skills, I could be there for people. Now I'm not sure if I've lost those feelings or if I've just taken on the role of the clown and given up a lot of the good things I knew I was for vaguer thoughts and ideas. If it weren't for R, I'd feel adrift completely.

It's not that I don't want to be able to laugh and have a good time. But when you're the only person laughing in the room, you start to feel that perhaps the joke is on you.